Why I sold my "dream" van...
Why did you sell your van... again?
Before we get started I want to say. I mostly wrote this post for myself. To process my feelings and to give other people thinking about buying a cute old van an idea of the thoughts they might experience. This is also a post to send to the ridiculous amounts of Instagram DMs I’ve gotten about my vans over the past few years. So here goes… (I haven’t written a personal post in a while…)
Okay, I get this question all the time (nearly every day in my IG inbox...). Honestly, I’m embarrassed by a lot of these reasons. I’m sad that I’m letting this dream die. But I’m also grateful that I had the chance to try it out for myself and learn what I actually wanted.
Here's the deal. I grew up in Vanagons. My family has had one as a daily driver my entire life. I've dreamed of living in a Westy since I was 6 years old. I've been working on the mission of eventual vanlife for almost 8 years now.
Here’s what I want I’ve started to realize I want out of vanlife (and these preferences and needs are ever-changing like me and I want to point out that it’s ok to change your mind!!):
1. I want to travel the US and find a place that I feel like I fit in. That I like enough to live for a long time (I move a LOT).
2. Community. The vanlife community is a lot like the thruhiker community. I want THAT to be my daily life again. I can’t afford to thruhike, but vanlife (or roadlife in general) would be the closest I could get while still working.
3. My (i specify my for a reason) Ideal Lifestyle. My ideal routine involves sleeping somewhere different often, it involves getting up with the sun and sleeping when it’s dark, it means doing my chores every day because I have to regardless of whether I want to, it’s meeting new people frequently and having new meaningful conversations, it’s living minimally, it’s only having to know one thing (one stove, one cup, one plate, one car, one routine, etc.).
4. To do something for ME by ME. The AT was the first every thing I did just for me. I have spent my whole (I’m pretty sure I mean this literally but I don’t have much memory before age 6) being a people pleaser. I had a deep deep fear of disappointing anyone. I'd make myself incredibly uncomfortable to make everyone else uncomfortable (and I still do, I’m working on breaking that). I would do whatever I thought I “should” do instead of what I wanted. The AT is the first time I ever didn’t do that. The Van was supposed to be the second. It was supposed to be mine. My choice. My design. My space. My own property. To take where I want, when I want, how I want. My own thing that could only be taken away by tragedy. That sounds so childish when I write it out (I’m crying rn btw and I’m not ashamed at all…). It sounds childish because it is childish. It’s my inner child who never healed throwing a damn temper tantrum in the middle of my blog. Yep. You read that. These vans were not that… as you’ll read below.
5. To be closer to the outside. Living under the big, open sky does something for me. Even inside a vehicle. It reduces my depression and anxiety all by itself. I feel less claustrophobic (yes even in a tiny vehicle like the Prius when I camp in it). I feel like I know what I’m meant to do and my body is in sync the way it should be. I feel calmer just knowing I’m closer to the open sky. Even though it’s probably much less safe. I don’t feel that way. I want that vulnerability all the time. That discomfort. It helps me grow.
I am fully aware that these are not things that I will want long term and forever. I am fully aware that vanlife is uncomfortable and hard and frustrating and sometimes expensive and worrisome and a privileged choice that I get to choose to make.
So here's why I haven't moved into any of the vans I've gotten over the past 3 years:
1. Money – I don't want to leave without a repair fund, I couldn't afford the vans I had in the first place (yes, my parents helped me out with huge amounts of the money), I was worried about growing my fledgling business from the road, I didn't have the money for a solar setup and the hotspots I'd need to work on the road. Having any of these vans was not living within my means. Even if I got rid of my car and my apartment, I couldn’t afford them.
2. COVID – I want to be on the road to see towns across the US to decide where to settle and to have an adventure. I also want to work while I do it. I can't reliably work without cafes, I can't reliably get showers without gyms, I can't fully experience a place if everything is closed, I don't want to infect people, I don't want to miss parks I want to see bc they're closed. Plus, paying for wifi hotspots and airbnbs for showers and laundry and living my life around avoiding COVID risk would be stressful, expensive, and not what I set out to do.
3. Worry – ALL I did when that Westy was in my possession was worry. Worry about it breaking down, about the money my parents had invested, my safety, sticking out, it getting stolen, ruining it., worry that I made the wrong choice
4. It's old – YEAH DUH. It's old, it's unreliable, it's uncomfortable for me to drive, it's slow, it's hot, it needs breaks on long trips, it takes patience, it takes money. I knew this before. I mean, I’ve had them before. But I’ve never been the driver on a cross country trip in one. I’ve never full time lived out of it. Also, new cars have gotten much newer since our last long highway trip in a Vanagon. LED headlights make it impossible to see by Vanagon headlights (notoriously horrible), the windshield wipers are ancient and sad technology, and the tractor-trailer trucks kiiiiillll your speed. Also… the windows are angled just right that bugs (alive and dead) fly in the window at your face while your driving!! Mayfly in my EYEBALL.
5. Maintenence – Mechanical maintenance, camper parts maintenance (hello mice, moldy water lines, and broken sunroofs), and monthly bills were all too much for me. I want something more simple. Water jugs I can cheaply and easily replace or clean. A vehicle I can drive regularly and not just when I’m living in it. A vehicle that’s cheaper and easier to repair. A vehicle that I want to keep long term for a daily driver.
6. I didn't love it. It felt like home inside, but driving it up and down the East Coast made me realize I wouldn't want to take it across the country. It wasn't right for me. Plain and simple.
7. It’s not mine – Yeah. I’m gonna get real honest with you about something that I’ve been embarrassed to admit. I have a lot of emotions surrounding money and how I grew up (pretty fkn poor but I still think I’m privileged in a ton of ways and recognize that). My parents have built a pretty successful car repair shop in our small hometown and they’ve helped me get every car I’ve ever had. They’ve also financially supported me with my vans. They paid for almost all of my van endeavors.
At first, I thought, Yay! This will get me closer to where I want to be faster and I can pay them back over time. But my emotions didn’t agree with that. My emotions said, You were doing this to have your first ever thing that’s all your own that you can do all by yourself that makes you strong and independent. My emotions said, This isn’t okay. Everyone’s going to judge you because your Mommy and Daddy did it for you. You’re a spoiled rich brat! (I’ve literally been called a JAP (Jewish American Princess, look it up if you’ve never heard it…) before by a complete stranger in my Instagram DMs about my Westy being paid for by my parents… I’m not going to put our family’s wealth level on blast, but let’s just say I’m definitely not a JAP... (I’m also not technically Jewish because it’s my Dad not my Mom that’s Jewish but that’s beside the point…)
My parents have helped me as much as they could. As have many American parents their own kids through struggle. I have a ton of insecurity about my money, about potentially losing my housing, about my parents helping me financially. I have a ton of guilt. This van just added so much more to that.
I fully recognize that my guilt is inside of me and it’s caused by my perspective. But it comes from somewhere and what would quell that for me is getting something that will function the way I want and need that also allows me to live within my means and that is mine.
That’s what I want. I’m not here to apologize or be embarrassed anymore. I deeply appreciate everything my parents have done for me, especially in relation to vanlife. They’ve helped me (and by help I mean did most of the work) flip 3 vans now.
They’ve given me so much money for vanlife and thruhiking. They’ve been amazingly supportive emotionally too. They dealt with video chats with me crying telling them I felt like I had to sell the van. They’ve dealt with me needing to learn by doing and not by their advice. They’ve put up with me constantly changing my mind. They support my pie in the sky dreams. They even give me business advice when I’m freaking out sometimes.
I’m incredibly lucky and privileged to have them and the resources they provide me with. I’m even more privileged to have parents who value chasing your dreams, love above all else, entrepreneurship, and a healthy mental state.
Alright, you emotional work-in-progress! What’s next?
Now that you’ve read my deepest feelings about vanlife… (please laugh, I’m not this serious, I swear). What’s next is exciting for me…
I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW.
I have some ideas simmering. The first is taking a few cheap test runs in my Prius. I’m saving up for a portable battery and solar panel and a hot spot. I’m going to get some cheap water jugs and a used roof storage box. I’ve camped in the Prius before and loved it. I LOVE that car. So much more than I expected to.
I’m realizing that what I needed and wanted is right in front of me, I just needed more time. I’ve been wanting to work for myself since I did the AT but I wanted to be successful at it. I’m on the path now! I wanted to travel affordably around the US in a vehicle (didn’t particularly care what but obviously dreamed of a Westy). I can do that in the Prius if I wanted to. I just thought I needed well mostly wanted more. But now that I’ve had more, I’ve realized that I had what I wanted all along…
I am considering getting a Toyota Tacoma in the future and making a camper set up in the bed that’s removable. I would probably sell the Prius and make that my daily driver. I’d like to do a long trip out to the West Coast of the US someday and maybe up into Canada for a while. That would probably be a one or two year, living in my car sort of deal. It would be amazing.
But for now. I’ve decided to do what my sweet sweet parents have been telling me to do all along. Chill the fuck out. Take my time. Let myself bloom where I’ve planted myself. I have a perfectly good and affordable living situation right now. I have a strong community here. I finally have friends. I have my cat. I like my town. I’m content. Sometimes that’s good enough for a while. But don’t get it twisted… I’m still over here dreaming and I will hit the road someday. Just not as quickly as I’d originally hoped (cough planned…).
I’m obviously learning how to make choices for myself and stand by them regardless of who they may or may not disappoint. I’m learning to not jump the gun on assuming other peoples’ judgment and staying in my own lane. I’m learning to let go of plans when they no longer serve me. I’m learning to quell my inner child and be okay with accepting help. Yeah. I’m learning and growing emotionally and I hope you are too. It’s been so long since I’ve written a personal post like this. I miss spilling my guts on the internet. Maybe I’ll do it again.